My Chaos… God’s Kingdom

We had my 2 week post op appointment yesterday. As we were talking to the amazing OB that performed the surgery he yet again said something that struck me. He made the comment that I have been an uncommon case. Not only was I the largest ectopic (tubal pregnancy) he has ever seen, I have also “bounced” back better than most. My body is handling the large amount of blood loss well, and my incision is doing great. I only had one answer “God does miracles” I mean look at the Bible there are so many examples. I know how blessed I am and I am beyond thankful. I will continue to praise God for this.

One thing this miracle of my life doesn’t do is take the pain away. This last week has been one of the hardest. I have struggled to find joy in almost anything. I have been angry and not just at the situation. While I know this is apart of grief it doesn’t make me feel good about it. Which then just sends me in to a new “spiral”. As I lay down for a nap (because the nasty bugs have hit our house and I’m still recovering) a dear friend sent me a You Tube video (I’ll put the video at the end) that I hadn’t heard in hot minute. The Song is Though You Slay Me by Shane and Shane. All I could do is cry, so much was taken from me when we lost our baby. The memories we’d never get to make, all the firsts I would get to watch. It has wrecked me, and it was something I didn’t want to admit. Yes I have cried, and I’m sure that others have seen my grief in ways that I haven’t. However I haven’t spoken the words until today of how hard it has been on my heart.

Don’t get me wrong I am beyond excited to see how God will use this. I know that Isaiah 43:19 will be happening in 2025. I will worship in the pain, I will worship in this valley and await for the mountain top so I can worship there too. Just because you know there was a miracle doesn’t mean that you have to discount the pain your heart feels. It’s ok to feel both grateful, and hurt at the same time. As long as your focus is where it should be. On the one who walks beside you everyday! Jesus! “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3 . Sometimes in order for him to do that we have to let the tears flow and admit it’s harder than we want it to be.