My Chaos… God’s Kingdom

I have allowed life to get in the way of what God is wanting me to do. I lost sight of my purpose. While I am still not entirely sure what that purpose is I am listening. It has been a crazy year, but in the last few months a lot has been put on my heart and my mind that has been hard to digest. I have been feeling a lot like an island.

That feeling that you are alone, that you have no-one to call to help you through things. There are a few things that have caused this feeling. Now before we go any father in this story we need a disclaimer. While others around you can cause feelings they do not choose how you react to those feelings. The choices made surrounding these feelings were all me. The good, the bad, and the ugly, were all choices I made.

So let’s get some background to start with. My Husband and I have a God marriage in progress. We are both working towards being who God wants us to be and the marriage he wants to for us to have. We both have caused hurt, we both have said horribly mean things. We both have made more mistakes than we wish to admit. My Husband is loving, and caring. He is also quick to make frustrated, or angry. He acts more like a drill sergeant than a Husband and Daddy. Brash, mean, and down right unsupportive is how he comes across in these times. He also gets scared and comes across as unsupportive, and pushy towards opposite goals. Emotions are off limits and inaccessible most of the time. These are defense mechanisms that he has built up over the years.

Now on the other side of that, Me. Let’s be honest it is harder to point out your own flaws that to point out some one else’s. I allow my feelings to run my choices often. I yell when I feel like no one is listening (like that is going to help), and I make it seem like I want perfection. I easily get overwhelmed and see myself as a bad, Wife and Momma. I feel big and hard and have struggled my entire life to control my emotions. Therefore it seems like rational decisions are off limits and inaccessible. Can you see it, the issues that the habits we have formed make?

It makes it almost impossible to really have conversations about what is bugging you. Things that are easier for some to talk about are hard for us to talk about.

Stay Tuned for part 2!